(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.” —Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via jesusfuckmechrist)
It’s weird, I’ve always been known as the guy with all the answers, but with you.. You render me speechless..you completely disarm me on a daily basis. And you know what? The guy with all the answers doesn’t mind at all.
Sometimes I ask myself how I can bare to keep going on. And I figured it out, after a while, after your heart breaks in the same way so many times, your heart just becomes numb to the pain, yeah it fucking hurts just as fresh as the first time, but you don’t spend so long dwelling on it. The only problem is that it happens daily. The things we do for love I suppose.
How can a weekend start off amazing and within the space of 3 hours turn to a complete disaster? I love you dad, I know we haven’t been getting along lately but I love you. And you will make it through this. There’s a reason why I was the one to find you, please get well soon
the year is 2066. physical contact has been outlawed. hug dealers tenderly embrace people in the dead of night and shady people hold hands in dark streets
i want to read this novel
I want to write this novel.
I want to edit this novel.
Sounds like we have a plan.
I want to produce the movie
I’m directing the porn parody
I’m buying the porn parody